


The things you missed

by MelindaCoulson4



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: 4x22, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 01:50:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10911885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelindaCoulson4/pseuds/MelindaCoulson4
Summary: 4x22 speculation. It's time they have that talk.





	The things you missed

The air circulating in the fuselage of the Zephyr has a bite to it. Phil’s fingertips are almost completely numb and his shoulders have been continuously shaking for as long as he’s been sitting in his seat. They don’t exactly have the luxury of heating the Zephyr, the less fuel and resources that they use the better. The temperature probably isn’t even that low, but his bodily functions have been deteriorating ever since they got out of the framework. His thighs and shoulder muscles have protested with every step and slight movement that he makes. Now, all he wants to do is take a long steamy shower and curl up into a ball in his bed. But, that’s not an option, primarily due to the fact that the base has been blown to bits, so technically he doesn’t even have a bed at the moment.

They’ve been trying to track Aida ever since she vanished into thin air. No one, not even Fitz, has the slightest clue of where she would go. The team has been brainstorming ideas for the last 45 minutes with no progress to show for it. Aida could be anywhere in the world right now, doing god knows what with her newfound powers.

They’re not equipped for this type of mission right now. Mack is still somewhere in the framework along with Yo Yo, which leaves Fitz, Simmons, Daisy, Piper, May, and himself to figure out some way to solve this whole thing. Daisy had called for a break after a particularly long stretch of silence during their makeshift meeting. Fitz had abruptly left the area, immediately followed by Simmons. The conversation had clearly taken a toll on him with everyone on the team staring at him, waiting for some clue as to Aida’s location. It’s a startling thought that Fitz has now become the closest person to Aida. He knows her well; they lived a whole life together in the framework, after all.

Daisy had announced that she was going to the kitchen to whip up some type of food before everyone passes out. She had all but forced Piper to come with her. As the two stood up, she made sure to keep her gaze locked him, while tilting her head towards May. Daisy knew something was up between the two of them. She was giving him a chance to address it with May, privately.

He’s grateful. This is their first moment alone after being blasted by the water and escaping the Russian controlled ship. They barely had time to dry themselves off and change clothes before being confronted by the obliterated SHIELD base, Talbot’s men, and Aida’s rampage. Neither one of them have even gotten a chance to shower since waking up. They’ve been faced with a constant bombardment of information all day.

It’s only been a couple of hours since they’ve woken up, but it already feels like days. He’s completely exhausted, yet too afraid to leave Melinda’s side. He’s terrified that he’ll slip into unconsciousness only to wake up and find her gone again. Either he’ll somehow wake up as Phil Coulson the history teacher trapped in the framework again or he’ll wake up to this life with Melinda missing all over again. It’s a completely irrational thought, but he can’t control it.

Thankfully, she’s seated right next to him for the moment with no signs of going anywhere. Mostly because Simmons had ordered her to stay put after a rushed physical examination. But, he can also tell that she’s completely drained of all energy. She could barely keep her eyes open during their escape from the Russians. The epinephrine was the only thing that had kept her going for so long.

Even sitting against the wall of the Zephyr, he can spot her exhaustion. Her body rests limply against the padded seat. Her head is tilted to the side, chin lethargically drooping to her chest. The profound dark circles under her eyes draw his attention. Her gaze is focused somewhere on the opposite wall. He can tell by the slight wrinkle in her forehead that she’s thinking about something specific. That’s Melinda; always concerned about something else, never giving herself a chance to rest.

He wouldn’t blame her if she wants to be left alone right now, especially given the nature of their previous conversation. But he can’t let her suffer alone, which is exactly what she will continue to do if he doesn’t make a move now.

He wordlessly places his right hand gently overtop of her left hand. His fingers and palm completely encapsulate her tiny hand. He pauses there for a second, reveling in the feeling of her warm skin against the iciness of his own. His eyes fall closed as he silently thanks the universe for this. _For her_. They’re finally together and alone, out of immediate danger. They’re lucky to have both made it this far. Lucky to be next to each other right here and now where they can finally face everything that’s been building up between them.

He opens his eyes and turns toward her only to find her already meeting his gaze. The sadness and worry present in her eyes is something that he immediately reads. She’s burdened by something, which is hardly a surprise given everything they’ve been through. It could be any number of things, the empty bottle of Haig being his first guess.

“It’s all destroyed. Everything we had. And Mace….I…I did that to him…I ordered it. Talbot was right to come after us…it’s on me,” she says barely above a whisper.

“No,” he responds adamantly. 

“Yes I-”

“If it wasn’t you it would’ve been someone else,” he tells her. Any number of Hydra agents could’ve killed Mace. He was the face of the resistance and public enemy number one. He had a target on his back from the beginning.

“Doesn’t make it any less my fault,” she confesses.

He can see that the guilt is tearing her up inside. “Melinda…you didn’t know. She messed with your head. You were only doing your job. It’s not your fault. He wouldn’t blame you.” Aida had made them live entirely new lives. She had forced their framework personas onto them. They weren’t given a choice and that was the worst part of it all.  They had lost their true identities, becoming completely different people. It wasn’t even real, yet his memories from the framework are so clearly present in his mind. It was like living a whole extra life. As if this real life had been paused and they all went into the framework for 40 years. That’s exactly what it felt like. He could remember things that happened in his childhood in the framework that never happened here.

They have lived in two completely opposite worlds and so far there was no way that they would be able to erase their memories from the framework. He is a SHIELD agent and a history teacher. There are two lifetimes of memories stuck in his brain. Melinda is a SHIELD agent and a HYDRA agent, which is the most screwed up thing he’s ever thought of. Yet, it’s true. There’s no logic to it. It’s just something that they now have to live with and move on from, if that’s even possible.

Phil reaches out, tugging gently on Melinda’s jacket signaling her to move towards him. She scoots closer and lays her head against his chest, most likely from pure exhaustion he thinks.

Somehow the sensation of her head resting against his body is so familiar, like it has always belonged there. A perfect fit; her body pressed to his. It feels normal even though it is something that they rarely have ever done.

He pulls her closer as he builds up the courage to say exactly how he’s feeling. If he doesn’t tell her now he never will.

“I don’t care about the things that we lost on base. I’m just so glad that you’re okay. I was so afraid….I thought she killed you.” He rests his chin on the top of her scalp, repressing the urge to press a kiss to her skin. He would love nothing more than to experience that sensation, but he can’t stop the guilt that creeps up. The whole situation, she has no idea what actually happened. They didn’t have the luxury of details earlier, so he skipped over mostly everything that happened. Now is the time. She needs to understand. It’s not fair for him to keep anything from her. She deserves to know everything no matter how painful.

The whole situation hits him again. To think that she might not have come back, it brings tears to his eyes. He could’ve lost her and she has no idea what it was all like. She’s been gone for so long.

“Melinda…I just….I’m going to tell you the truth.” She deserves to hear the truth. Besides, he already brought up the Haig situation.

She nods while sitting up and facing him.

“The android…she was like you...in every way. An exact replica. I can’t even explain it. There was no hint that she was a robot. She moved, spoke…did everything exactly like you. Once I found out she was an android…I didn’t even know how long you were actually gone.” He sighs. “I thought….you’d been gone since your death.”

She immediately turns away from him, hair clouding her face from view.

“I drank the Haig with her after everything with Reyes finished up. We sat at the kitchen table drinking it and talking….like we had promised to do.”

The confession lingers in the air between them.

“What else, Phil?” she hesitantly asks. Her tone seems to suggest that she already detects something amiss.

 _Damn._ Is he that transparent?

“Aida came looking for the Darkhold. Mace and I agreed to hide it in his office. He and I were the only ones who knew where it was. Aida attacked me and your android. I got knocked out and I woke up in a room with you. At the time, it seemed like Aida had dragged us both in there and locked us up, but it was probably _her_. I told _her_ where Mace and I were hiding the Darkhold. And that’s how Aida knew where it was. Mack ended up chopping off Aida’s head before she could leave the base. I took the Darkhold and gave it to the Koenigs. The watchdogs tracked them down along with Aida. So we met up with them and they took us to a library where they hid the Darkhold. While Sam went to get the Darkhold, I was with…. _her_. We started talking and….” He takes a moment to collect himself, breathing deeply and swallowing hard. There will be no going back after this. “I….I kissed _her_ ,” he confesses.

A sense of relief finally hits him. It’s out there, the truth. Now she knows; he doesn’t have to lie to her anymore. However, the sense of relief is abruptly followed by a sense of panic. She’ll surely hate him now or at the very least be disgusted with him.

They sit in silence for, well, he doesn’t know how long. It seems like years, in reality it’s probably seconds. He can’t bring himself to move a muscle other than to breathe. All of his insides are clenched up and tense, waiting for her to either hit him or walk away forever.

“There had to be something different about her then,” Melinda simply says.

“What?” he asks, completely thrown off guard. That is not the way he expected her to respond.

“She shows up for a couple of days and suddenly you’re drinking _our_ bottle of Haig together and kissing her?” she asks incredulously.

He nods, more to himself than to Melinda. She purposefully has her eyes trained on the ground, avoiding his gaze. He senses the feeling of betrayal in her voice, the emphasis that she used when saying _our bottle of Haig_. He doesn’t blame her. He did betray her. All because he finally decided to act on the affection and love that he tried to hide for the decades that they have known each other.

“I thought she was you. I thought _she_ was interested…,” he trails off, losing his nerve, feeling completely pathetic. “I thought you were interested.” He shakes his head. “I wanted it to be you. I wanted to kiss you. And I’m so sorry. I should’ve known. Maybe I didn’t see any signs because deep down I wanted it to be real…so badly.”

He watches her face closely, searching for any change in expression, but Melinda continues to stare at the ground. Why did he have to do this to her?

Suddenly, he remembers her words from earlier. _“Wow I’m hurt, Phil. I guess we’re not as close as I thought.”_ How could he not know? Because he’s selfish, that’s why. He had even gone as far as to call her robotic. She didn’t deserve that. He had panicked and just blurted the first thing that popped into his mind, anything to shift the blame from himself.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did…earlier…about you being robotic. I was just being defensive. It’s not that I didn’t notice any differences because we aren't close enough. I did notice...little things. But…I thought that you were happier. I thought that I was making you happy. At least, I know that's how I was feeling. It felt so good to be with you. Spending time with you. Like we were finally going somewhere. Because I've always wanted that,” he tells her. If he’s going to completely destroy their friendship, then he might as well confess everything now. She deserves to know the truth. “When you were with Andrew last year, all of the...feelings that I was denying came back. I stayed quiet because I knew you were happy. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you,” he continues.

“But now I know that _she_ …you were never really interested. It was all for the book and I’m such an idiot.” His hands come up to wipe quickly at his face, serving as a distraction. How could he possibly meet her eye right now? “And you suffered because of that…..I would’ve been able to get to you sooner.” _If I wasn’t so in love with you, he thinks_ , fists clenching in frustration _.  
_

He abruptly stands from his position next to her because he can’t take the rejection. He crosses his arms over his chest, desperately seeking some sense of comfort. This whole conversation leaves him feeling completely embarrassed. She’s his best friend. Having to tell her that he didn’t know she was replaced by an android because he was interested in her romantically, well, it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Now, Melinda can’t even make eye-contact with him. He really screwed everything up.

It all serves as a reminder of how messed up this situation is. He drank the bottle of Haig that they had saved for decades, she was replaced by a robot, and then the robots apparently blew up the only place that he considered to be home. All while they were trapped in a simulated world that felt so real.

“Now our home is destroyed and the bottle of Haig is gone,” he sighs.

A complete and awkward silence fills the hanger. He stares hard at the metal wall across from him debating whether he should bang his fist against it. Oh how he wants to, anything to relieve these feelings inside of him. His fake hand would likely do some damage, make a fist-shaped impression in the wall. Instead, he waits silently for Melinda to say something…anything. He wants to know what's running through her mind. Yet, still can't bring himself to turn around and face her. The hurt and betrayal present would surely break his heart. 

He can’t even imagine what she’ll say next or if she'll even speak at all. All he knows is everything is his fault. If only he'd realized in time. This whole thing could've been avoided.

“I think we both know it was never really about the Haig, Phil,” she admits.

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Okay, that was unexpected.

Her fingers lightly begin trailing up and down the length of his right bicep. All at once his nerve endings come alive; her touch ignites a fire in his veins.

He turns around, somewhat hopefully and catches the glistening tears present in her eyes.

Melinda takes a step closer, eliminating almost all of the space between them.

“It was about what the bottle meant. When you were gone…when you vanished because of Eli Morrow it just reminded me of the regret that I felt when you died in New York. I _never_ want to feel like that again,” she says, voice quivering with every word.

New York? She was comparing his time in the other dimension to New York. He never really found out what happened after he "died". There was never time. The first time he saw her after all of that was when he visited her in administration and asked her to join the team. At the time she couldn't exactly be forthcoming about his death. Hell, he didn't even know that he died. A vacation, that's what it was supposed to be, just a man coming back to work after a well-deserved week off in Tahiti. 

He did see her face when he was stuck in the other dimension and she was the one to bring up the Haig. If that's any indication of her feelings, he doesn't know. What does it all mean? What is she trying to tell him?

He watches with bated breath as her eyes focus on his chest. She reaches her right hand out and places it against his sternum. He feels the subtle trembling of her fingers against his skin. The only thing separating them is the cotton material of his shirt, which she lightly clutches in her hand. Her touch is overwhelming. She begins tracing a soothing pattern over his chest. At first, he’s baffled by her actions. After a moment, he quickly realizes what she’s doing. She’s following the path of his scar.

This is the closest that they’ve been while coherent since their impromptu return. She can surely feel the erratic beating of his heart with her fingers pressed against him. It doesn’t really matter anymore, he muses. She already knows how he feels; his heartbeat isn’t going to give him away.

Her eyes focus on his and suddenly he’s thinking about the kiss that he shared with the LMD. He took the initiative then, but he can’t help recognizing the familiar movement of her eyes. The way Melinda’s LMD looked at him before he leaned in is exactly how Melinda is gazing at him now. His stomach clenches at the thought. There’s just no way that he can believe Melinda wants to kiss him. The need that he feels for her must be clouding his judgement. And damn it is a need, a desperate all-consuming one. He’s never wanted anyone or anything more than her. The friendship and partnership that they share means everything to him. To think that they could be more seems like a faraway dream.

Right now, in this moment, it doesn’t matter what he wants. This is about Melinda. It’s her choice. No matter what she wants- he’ll respect it. She’s in control now. God knows she hasn’t had control of much in her life recently.

The hand that she has resting against his chest moves to cup his cheek. “Phil. you’re…just….,” she trails off, rapidly blinking away tears. Her lips part as her tongue darts out, momentarily wetting her bottom lip.

He catches her gaze flickering between his lips and face. It takes all of his restraint not to look at her lips. If he does he would surely kiss her.

Her hand slides from his cheek towards the back of his neck. Suddenly, she’s pulling his head down as she tilts her own towards him.

And just like that their lips meet. Her touch is hesitant at first, as is his, each pressing their lips lightly against the others in exploration. It’s nice…warm, comforting. After a few seconds, he decides to wrap his arm around her body and rests his right hand against her shoulder blade. In response, Melinda’s presses her body against his front, aligning their hips. That’s when the overwhelming passion hits him. These feelings that he’s had aren’t unrequited. She wants this just as much as he does. After all of these years, they’re finally doing it. This is real. This is the real Melinda. No decoy. No ulterior motives, just her.

His hand moves from her shoulder to the back of her head. Her dark locks slide easily into the space between his fingers. Somehow her hair is silky smooth. She had been unconscious for over a week, yet her hair is perfect against the pads of his fingers. He gently tugs at the thick wavy strands. A small moan falls from her lips in response.

They continue to push and pull against each other for a good while, he doesn’t know how long. He’s lost track of time, lost track of everything but her.

Eventually, the need to breathe causes him to pull back slightly. He focuses on breathing deeply, hoping that she won’t regret what they’ve just done. Thankfully, she shows no sign of stepping away from him. Neither one of them have moved more than a few inches from each other. He can even feel the gentle puffs of air against his face coming from her rapid breathing.  

“I thought you were dead. Once I found out you were gone…those were the worst couple of days of my life,” he admits. He tampers down the urge to share every thought and feeling that races through his mind. There’s an overwhelming sense of need to tell her everything now.

“I tried to get out. I tried coming home,” she tells him, voice cracking.

Her response takes his breath away. Of course she’s worried about his feelings, trying to make him feel better about the situation. “I’m so sorry, Melinda,” he whispers.

She squeezes his hand in silent reassurance. She doesn’t blame him; it’s okay.

He lifts both hands and wraps them around her torso, needing to touch her. His hands meet at the small of her back, clutching at the fabric of her jacket, anything to keep her close. It feels amazing being able to cradle her warm body against him without restraint.

He feels her arms wrap around his ribs, hugging him just as close as he is to her.

_Finally_

It wasn't all in his head. He didn't just ruin his friendship. She's experiencing it too. All of the years of companionship and partnership have led to this. Something more, that’s new and exciting.

They stay in comfortable silence, continuing to drink each other in. Just focusing on the sensations that simple touching creates between them. They’re together, connected through history, love, and compassion for one another.

Staying like this with Melinda allows him to draw strength from her. He has a sudden surge of energy to power through this mess with Aida and the framework, so that they can finally move forward together.

_He’s ready for whatever comes next._

_//end//_

**Author's Note:**

> I’m terrified that they won’t get the time to talk about everything. Of course I want a kiss, but damn it they need to talk. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting :)


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